Spring has sprung, settling has begun?

Question for the relocation experts: When does somebody answer “YES” to the following question:

Have you settled yet?

I apologise if this has triggered anyone. It certainly triggers me (depending on the day), and I’ve only lived in Denmark just shy of three years.

It fascinates me that someone who has lived here for three years and someone who has been here for thirteen can give the same answer—a resounding “not yet” or a hesitant “kind of.” How is that possible? After three years, you’d think most people would be getting used to the culture, the food, the lifestyle—even if they don’t feel fully “settled.” But by thirteen years?!

So, what does settled actually mean?

For some, it’s having a house, a bank account, a social security number. For others, it’s deeper—it’s about belonging. Have I made friends beyond the international community? Do my children feel at home here? Has Danish culture shaped us, and if so, in what ways?

I wonder about these questions even as I find myself telling others to take the leap and move to Denmark. I rave about the family-friendly culture, hyggeligt experiences, the way children are truly seen here. And yes, I even love a bit of sild (herring)! Yet in the same breath, I talk about the arduous residency applications, the punishing tax system, and the rights (or lack thereof) for non-EU citizens.

Lately, I’ve been reading about the growing number of internationals leaving Denmark, often citing this very issue: a lack of belonging. And I get it. Some days, I feel like I don’t know whether I’m coming or going. I even had a reverse culture shock recently while chatting with some friends back home. A few friends shared their Easter plans, and they were full. I mean, packed to the brim with back-to-back activities, the kind of schedule I once thrived on. But now? It made me feel breathless. Overwhelmed.

And yet, here in Denmark, where life is supposedly calmer, I still feel overwhelmed. Which parent doesn’t? The irony is, our schedule here is half of what it was in London. The lack of endless extracurriculars and conveniences means I have no choice but to do less. It’s still a logistical nightmare, but unbelievably, it’s less of a nightmare than before.

I find myself embracing a different kind of busy—one that includes simple joys, more nature (for anyone who knows me, I have NEVER been the outdoorsy type), and an appreciation for less. 

Even travel has taken on a different meaning. Brexit may have stripped me of my EU citizenship, but living here has made me, and my kids, hungry to explore Europe. And we’ll do as the Danes do—happily taking an eight-hour drive just to get somewhere new.

So, what does all of this have to do with feeling settled?

A friend once told me something that has stuck with me: “Most internationals—whether they realise it or not—are looking for something when they move abroad. They think they’ll find it in a new country. And when they don’t, they move on. And on. And on.”

Her advice? Stop chasing. Just be.

That phrase has echoed in my mind ever since. I catch myself saying, When I get permanent residency… When the kids finish school here in ten years… as if some future milestone will be the moment I finally feel at home. And it catches me by surprise every time. Was this what I wanted? I have never actually sat down with myself and decided, matter-of-factly, that this is what will happen. I thought “settled” was a conscious choice, an active decision, but I find it slowly creeping in like ivy and maybe one day I’ll look up and realise it’s blossomed into something beautiful. 

But I can see that for many, settling isn’t a clear-cut decision—it’s something that unfolds, often without us realising. I recognise that for some, Denmark doesn’t make that process easy. Bureaucratic hurdles, job insecurity, and social barriers can make it feel like settling is always just out of reach. Perhaps the real question isn’t “Have you settled? but “Has Denmark made it possible for you to? And if not, how many more internationals will slip through the cracks, adding to #TheForgottenGold—the skilled, talented people Denmark struggles to retain?

So, what does settling look like for me? I’m not sure I have an answer yet. But for now, I’m focused on what feels right, one step at a time—finding comfort in the little things, adjusting as I go, and letting the process unfold at its own pace. I’ve stopped the chasing and simply started to ‘be.’